Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
