If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
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