Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize