last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
