he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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