I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
