her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Randomize
