yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize