Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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