It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
