porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
a search helicopter?!
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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