i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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