i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
