I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
