Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize