I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
