exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
