Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
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