my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
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