and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
