i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize