if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
