im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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