id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
