She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
