it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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