The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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