I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
