Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
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