i jhust puked up my retainher.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
