My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Sober January is a disaster.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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