my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
