Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
