Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
