I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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