I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
