Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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