Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
