I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
