i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
