Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
