that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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