i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize
