i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
he was CRYING into my vagina
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize