I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
