I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
All I want is dick and wine.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
