I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
