She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
