At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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