just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Randomize
