Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
