the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Randomize
