you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
