I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
