I'm going to jail i love you
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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