dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
