We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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