He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Still dying that you shit outside
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize