We won't sleep together?
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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