I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
