i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
