The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
